A conversation

– Best Self: I think I’m going to have a boyfriend again.

– Worst self: Um, terrible idea.

– Best self: Why?

– Worst Self: You might die.

– Best self: I’m hardly going to die.

– Worst self: You were so miserable last time, remember.

– Best self: Only because he was the wrong man for me. Another man – the right one – will make me happy. Or keep me happy, because I’m already happy.

– Worst self: Sounds horrifically claustrophobic to me. You’d be locked in to being whoever you are when you meet him. Won’t be able to change or develop. Sounds hellish, actually. That panic in your throat right now; you know you’d hate it.

– Best self: Not true. He might be someone who is interested in learning and self development and who I can have interesting conversations with. In fact he almost certainly will be, otherwise I won’t be attracted to him in the first place.

– Worst self: You’d have to meet his family.

– Best self: So? I loved my ex’s family. They loved me as well. Still chat to his Mum in the supermarket. She loves me. Literally cries when she sees me.

– Worst self: I don’t think you’re robust enough for this. I don’t want to sound dramatic, but… You were a mess after last time. Remember?

– Best self: I’m actually quite proud of how strong I am. I can spot warning signs better, now, and I won’t take any crap. It’s a balance though – got to let someone in. Allow myself to be affected by someone. I do deserve to be loved.

– Worst self: What if you fall in love with someone who types ‘your’ when he means ‘you’re’ – and not just when he’s tired, but consistently?

– Best self: I could teach him.

– Worst self: Tricky to do that without being patronising. Also the fact that you worry about this means you’re not ready for love (sidenote).

– Best self: I think there’s more to love than spelling and grammar.

– Worst self: Hhmm. And what about time management? You’re too selfish. How on earth do you expect to have time for someone else – not just the practical time of seeing him, but the mental time – the time spent thinking about him, wondering about him, dreaming about him, when you hardly have time for all of your own projects. Sounds like a huge disruption. You’d probably go insane(r). Or let all your stuff slip and then be angry with yourself.

– Best self: I’m not selfish. But it’s true I’d have to create space. I’d be lucky to have someone to jolt me out of my own projects sometimes, or to share them with me. And things would happen naturally. He’s not going to demand we meet every single day. Or maybe I’d want to, anyway, after a while. I’ll want to spend all my time with him.

– Worst self: You only have time for a boyfriend at night time. You’ll be crap at this.

– Best self: Love would grow and time would bend around it. Plus, I absolutely love all that stuff – the thinking, dreaming, romancing; I’m a natural-born pro. It’s what I want. Imagine having a best friend who I also happen to fancy!

– Worst self: It’d take quite a while to find someone like that, though. Track record of this search isn’t great.

– Best self: Good job I’m patient, then. Or maybe I don’t need to be patient for much longer. I could meet him tomorrow, or maybe at that event I’ve just signed up for.

– Worst self: Oh God. Terrifying. Hope you don’t.

– Best self: Hope I do.

– Worst self: And which person are you going to present to him (whoever he is) anyway? You’re too many people. No one can quite understand you. It’s no wonder no one seems right; you present too many options.

– Best self: But each option is actually me. I’m only ever myself.

– Worst self: What kind of man would take you on, though? I know I’m not meant to use the phrase ‘take you on’ (your friend told us this), but you’re quite a thing. To take on.

– Best self: He’ll be quite a thing as well, though. It’ll be good.

– Worst self: Also, you’re literally having a conversation with yourself as though you are two people. Maybe don’t ever mention this to him.

– Best self: I wasn’t going to. He wouldn’t care, though, whoever he is. He’s open-minded.

– Worst self: Oh whatever. Fine. Give it a go. I did warn you (in depth and repeatedly), but you obviously feel strongly about this.

– Best self: …I don’t know if I feel strongly. I just feel more openly. More open. Maybe. Oh, I don’t know. Maybe I don’t.

– Worst self: Can’t believe how easily you fall for reverse psychology.

– Best self: Can’t believe how manipulative you are. This is my actual life. Our life.

– Worst self: True. Well, go on then. Might as well give it a bash – you do like to gather experiences. Go wild (slightly) with your new sense of girlfriendly availability.

– Best self: Girlfriendly! I can’t imagine being a girlfriend again. How funny.

– Worst self: Exactly, you need to work on that.

– Best self: Exactly. Good. Glad we talked about this. I just think we need to be on the same page. Otherwise we’re putting mixed signals out into the universe.

– Worst self: zzz

 

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3 thoughts on “A conversation

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